ASHEVILLE, NC – Researchers with the National Climatic Data Center (NCDC) are warning citizens to exercise caution and restraint during this year's elections.
"We're becoming concerned that a Kerry victory could precipitate a collective sigh of relief large enough to blow a significant hole in the ozone layer." explained Dr. Miles Heywood of the NCDC in Asheville, North Carolina.
Scientists in dozens of countries around the world have raised similar concerns in recent weeks over the prospect of a Kerry win. Reggio DelMonte of the Royal Institute of Atmospheric Studies in Devonshire, England has gone as far as recommending that British authorities stagger any announcement of US. election results over the course of a few days to prevent the sort of simultaneous mass exhalation of joy and relief expected if the craggy Vietnam veteran and lawmaker from the bay state proves victorious at the polls.
Dr. Hakeshi Tazuma at Tokyo's Shoyohama Institute of Air Science explained the dizzying physics of a mass sigh event: "The average adult's lung capacity is between five and six liters. If 500 million or more people who had been holding their breath for a very long time, were suddenly to expel that carbon dioxide at the same moment in a spontaneous expression of gratitude and bliss, it would create an intra-atmospheric pressure imbalance, and a spike in local Co2 concentrations in the lower levels of the atmosphere. Because this gas would tend to be warmer than the ambient air, it would rush upward, and outward, possibly with enough force to tear one or more large holes in the protective ozone surrounding the planet."
Ozone protects animal life from harmful levels of solar radiation, and is believed to play a role in regulating earth's surface temperature. Damage to the ozone layer could trigger the type of calamitous meteorological instability that fear-mongering, tree hugger liberals are always making so much noise about. Hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis, floods, and hail would become par for the course.
Scientists first noted the mass sigh phenomenon, albeit on a smaller scale, in November of 1999 when radio stations finally stopped playing Cher's single: "Believe." That episode is thought to have caused extensive damage to the ozone layer in a spot over New England.
"If Kerry wins, it's likely the whole earth will be wiped out in a matter of weeks."- Dr. Reggio DelMonte
The National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has issued an uncharacteristically emotional plea to American voters, warning that all the progress George Bush has made in protecting the atmosphere from CFCs, vehicle emissions, and industrial pollution could be undone in an instant if the flip-flopping internationalist waffler wins it.
Republicans are making contingency plans to muddle election outcomes in a few key battleground states with dodgy electronic voting machines and partisan newscasters, in order to prevent the sort of clear, unassailable victory so many are fearing. -bcp
