Black Cow Press: Election Briefs: ZOMBIES! and the "GAY VOTE"

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ELECTION BRIEFS: ZOMBIES! and the "GAY VOTE"

BARN

Zombie Groups Urge Candidates To Protect Undead

BATON ROUGE, LA- President Bush and Democratic challenger Senator John Kerry were caught off balance on Tuesday during a town hall style debate in Baton Rouge. Members of the radical Church Saint Gris Gris of nearby Buxton, Louisiana demanded that each candidate renew their pledge to protect the lives of the undead.

Preacher René Rochamboux, speaking in an agonizingly slow and monotonous voice, appealed to both Bush and Kerry to honor the sanctity of all life, including the lives of the undead. Kerry, who has never appeared at a loss for words during the campaign, seemed to struggle as he fielded a question posed by Rochamboux, though that may have been at least partly due to the gentleman's unnerving greenish complexion, bulging eyes, suppurating lesions, and shuffling gait.

"Thank you for your question, René. It's an important one. I...I...I guess... ...I have a plan to... Yeah, that's important. The undead are wonderful. One of my closest friends, Vice Admiral Staples, is undead. But I think it's an issue for the states to decide," Kerry stammered.

President Bush, by contrast, seemed more comfortable with the subject matter: "Look, it's not a difficult question. America will defend its Zombies, Wraiths and Vampires from the haters who would do them harm. We owe it to our nocturnal, blood-sucker friends to protect them from the people that are always trying to kill them in movies." -bcp

"How I Lost The Gay Vote" -by Senator John Edwards
Overheard At The Debate:

JOHN EDWARDS: (sincerely)
And I just want to take a moment to be passive aggressive and say that I think it's wonderful how the vice president and his wife support and love their daughter, even though she's a l-e-s-b-i-a-n.

DICK CHENEY:
Thank you, Senator. I appreciate that.

EDWARDS:(sanctimoniously)
I mean, even though she likes to cuddle naked with a women instead of a man, I think she and the vice president are just such wonderful, wonderful people.

CHENEY:
Again, thank you.

EDWARDS:(dreamily)
I mean even though she's right now probably going lickety-split with her lesbian partner, Abby Mitchell, who's been trying so hard to stay out of the spotlight during this whole campaign, I think it's great that they can be just as gay as spring together and no one cares- Because it's big of us normal people not to care or make a big deal.

CHENEY:
I think you've covered this adequately.

EDWARDS:(wistfully)
How wonderful that a bunch of fur traders can live together in an apartment at 134 Westin Street, Atlanta, Georgia 24301 (phone number: 817-343-4646) just mowing box all day long while this queer-lovin' dad, Dick Cheney, supports 'em, and isn't ashamed. It's just wonderful. Wonderful!

CHENEY:
Thank you, John. It's thoughtful of you to comment on the sexual preferences of my family members who aren't running for office. -bcp